I grew up with a mother whom I figured out in my mid-30s was probably mentally ill (but undiagnosed) with Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders. She also likely suffered from Munchausens Disorder in the last decade of her life. My mother was a very difficult person and very abusive. She was also very creative, intelligent and sometimes charming and warm. During my young adult years, as I navigated my challenging relationship with her all the while trying to heal from the harm done to me as a child, I shied away from naming some of the abuse “sexual”. I knew she was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive of me, but to say she was sexually abusive seemed far too loaded.

However, there was no doubt that my mother was often sexually inappropriate with me from the time I entered adolescence. I have very few memories prior to that age. She often made sexual comments about my body, encouraged and even pushed me to be sexually active with boys my age and even men from the time I was in my mid- to late-teens–well before I was psychologically or physically ready to do so. She was obsessed with my sexuality. She also made me take care of her physical body in ways that made me very uncomfortable and that I later learned with the help of friends and professional therapists were not appropriate. She often injected a sexual overtone into them.

As a result of all of these confusing and invasive messages about sexuality, it took me a long time to develop a realistic and healthy relationship to my own sexuality and to men. I had a lot of shame and fear about body image, sex and sexuality and about the connection between sexuality and love.

My experience is a testament to the fact that women can be perpetrators and that perpetration can include behaviors that do not involve actual physical penetration. Psychological sexual violence is a problem as much as physical and can put its victims at risk later in life for sexual assault and domestic violence.

This work on paper was done in my early forties when I began to discover that creating art helped me feel better. I depicted how meditation and self-reflection helped my healing process.  I long suffered from severe depression and anxiety as a result of the difficult upbringing and other forms of abuse perpetrated by my sadly confused and troubled mother.

Now that I am in my late-40s and after years of personal work, I have long forgiven her and moved beyond seeing myself as a victim. I believe that she was also a victim of child and possibly sexual abuse.  I have therefore included her self-portrait in the exhibit as a companion to my two pieces, “Sacred Space” and “Transforming Anger.”  Even though she is now deceased, to protect her privacy, I have named the artist, R. Mann’s mother.  I am thankful to her for the challenges she gave me, as it has made me a better and more caring person. It has given me the gift of healing and has impelled me to help others by telling my (and her) story.