However, there was no doubt that my mother was often sexually inappropriate with me from the time I entered adolescence. I have very few memories prior to that age. She often made sexual comments about my body, encouraged and even pushed me to be sexually active with boys my age and even men from the time I was in my mid- to late-teens–well before I was psychologically or physically ready to do so. She was obsessed with my sexuality. She also made me take care of her physical body in ways that made me very uncomfortable and that I later learned with the help of friends and professional therapists were not appropriate. She often injected a sexual overtone into them.

As a result of all of these confusing and invasive messages about sexuality, it took me a long time to develop a realistic and healthy relationship to my own sexuality and to men. I had a lot of shame and fear about body image, sex and sexuality and about the connection between sexuality and love.

My experience is a testament to the fact that women can be perpetrators and that perpetration can include behaviors that do not involve actual physical penetration. Psychological sexual violence is a problem as much as physical and can put its victims at risk later in life for sexual assault and domestic violence.

This work on paper was done in my early forties when I began to discover that creating art helped me feel better. I depicted how meditation and self-reflection helped my healing process. I long suffered from severe depression and anxiety as a result of the difficult upbringing and other forms of abuse perpetrated by my sadly confused and troubled mother.

Now that I am in my late-40s and after years of personal work, I have long forgiven her and moved beyond seeing myself as a victim. I believe that she was also a victim of child and possibly sexual abuse. I have therefore included her self-portrait in the exhibit as a companion to my two pieces, “Sacred Space” and “Transforming Anger.” Even though she is now deceased, to protect her privacy, I have named the artist, R. Mann’s mother. I am thankful to her for the challenges she gave me, as it has made me a better and more caring person. It has given me the gift of healing and has impelled me to help others by telling my (and her) story.

However, there was no doubt that my mother was often sexually inappropriate with me from the time I entered adolescence. I have very few memories prior to that age. She often made sexual comments about my body, encouraged and even pushed me to be sexually active with boys my age and even men from the time I was in my mid- to late-teens–well before I was psychologically or physically ready to do so. She was obsessed with my sexuality. She also made me take care of her physical body in ways that made me very uncomfortable and that I later learned with the help of friends and professional therapists were not appropriate. She often injected a sexual overtone into them.

As a result of all of these confusing and invasive messages about sexuality, it took me a long time to develop a realistic and healthy relationship to my own sexuality and to men. I had a lot of shame and fear about body image, sex and sexuality and about the connection between sexuality and love.

My experience is a testament to the fact that women can be perpetrators and that perpetration can include behaviors that do not involve actual physical penetration. Psychological sexual violence is a problem as much as physical and can put its victims at risk later in life for sexual assault and domestic violence.

This work on paper was done in my early forties when I began to discover that creating art helped me feel better. I depicted how meditation and self-reflection helped my healing process.  I long suffered from severe depression and anxiety as a result of the difficult upbringing and other forms of abuse perpetrated by my sadly confused and troubled mother.

Now that I am in my late-40s and after years of personal work, I have long forgiven her and moved beyond seeing myself as a victim. I believe that she was also a victim of child and possibly sexual abuse.  I have therefore included her self-portrait in the exhibit as a companion to my two pieces, “Sacred Space” and “Transforming Anger.”  Even though she is now deceased, to protect her privacy, I have named the artist, R. Mann’s mother.  I am thankful to her for the challenges she gave me, as it has made me a better and more caring person. It has given me the gift of healing and has impelled me to help others by telling my (and her) story.

My hope is to help women realize they are not alone. That spousal rape is RAPE. I want them to know they have rights, and protection under the law. I want them to know they do not need to feel ashamed; they have done nothing wrong.

More than anything, I want these women to know that there is life after abuse. They can heal and move on and feel whole again. I hope this selection of my poetry touches just one person along the way.

“Sound of Violence” was my response to how people treated me as I began telling them what I was going through.

“Is Me” was written almost one full year after the rape. It was affirmation to myself that not only was I able to, but I deserved to take my life back.

“Crossroads” was written four days after I left. I was safe and I realized that the road in front of me was mine for the taking.

“Ode to Day 21” was written 21 days after I left. I have been told that habits are changed in 21 days. Day 21 was indeed a milestone for me. Three weeks toward claiming back the woman I was, and was meant to be.

As you read these words, let them sink in. Let them ramble around in your head and consider the strength of all the women who walk away from abuse. They are heroes.

The canvas artwork was done by my sister, Adrianne Taylor-White.

I know that I will be on this side of the door one day.